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| This is totally stupid, thank god no one I know checks this website anymore, because I need to vent.
I feel like I've been waiting for 22 years and counting for my life to start. I don't feel like I've found my "niche" yet, what I'm really good at, and actually gotten to excel at something. Every single thing I've ever been passionate about, I've had to abandon because I haven't been excellent enough to rise to the top. I hated high school, I could never get into the good chorus or get the good parts in the plays because I just wasn't quite good enough. I still think about that, and I don't think it's fair that my sister got into the good chorus because she's no better than I was, and certainly not as passionate. I thought that I would really come into my own in college, but I didn't get into hardly any plays. Now I see all of these people getting into these plays whom I know are good, but I still feel like I was good, too. I don't want to act like I got the short end of the stick and I don't want to be delusional by any means, but I just don't think that any of the parts that were offered while I was there really fit me, and no one was willing to take a chance on me, either, so there you go. I was pretty much denied a career in theater unless I get additional training outside of college, which was PAID FOR. I seriously get irate when I think about it. It's such complete and total bullshit. Now I'm still looking for a job, and it's extremely frustrating because I just don't know what I'm good at anymore. My family keeps telling me I'm a good writer, and I am pretty ok at writing, but I'm so scared to get passionate about something else because I hate all the things that I used to love to do because of the people involved and the politics.I know I don't always try as hard as I should, and maybe that's part of the problem. I just haven't felt like I was good at anything in a long time. I'm so tired of feeling mediocre. I've been trying to work on my confidence, as well. I'm attracting the wrong types of people. I'm 22 years old and I've never been in anything resembling a relationship. So many people say that, but for me, it's no exaggeration, 100% true. I never feel pretty, I'm tired of struggling with my weight and knowing that I'll never be as small and thin as my sister, who already is very popular and has had stupid middle school relationships, which I totally missed out on. No guys ever paid attention to me in middle school or high school, and now I'm just generally unhappy with that situation and I'm doing all sorts of things that I shouldn't do because I'm hung up on some dude I haven't seen or heard the voice of in 2 months. I know it sounds whiny, but I'm just wondering when I'm going to come into my own and excel at something and really hit my stride and stop feeling mediocre and having to tell myself to fucking get over things and people that I wanted because I just wasn't good enough for them. For once, it would be nice not to have to give myself a pep talk every time something didn't go my way, and have some things work out, instead. I feel like I've spent my entire life waiting for something good to happen, which is no way to spend your life. I see all these good things happening to people around me, and I can't help but be a little jealous. I would just like one thing in my life to go right for once. I am trying. Just.... please, God, please.......please. | | |
| So many people are getting engaged. A lot of them are, like, 19 and 20. Maybe it's because I've never been in love before, but I just don't understand the appeal. If you're going to get engaged with the idea that you'll get married 6 years later, what's the point? Why do something so binding? If you're so sure that you two will end up together, then you should have no problem waiting a couple of years before making a huge life commitment. Think about it... you will be (or should be, I guess) with this person for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. You're saying "I like you so much that I never want to lose track of you and I want to share a house with you and hang out with you till we're 90." That's INTENSE, guys. To me, divorce doesn't sound like fun. It sounds expensive and painful. I think I'd rather never be married than get divorced. And, hey, guys... if it works out for you, and you knew that you fiancee was your soulmate from day 1, then more power to ya. I only wish you the best. I don't know. It's just not me, I guess... which is probably one of the reasons why I'm not engaged. :) SOUTH CAROLINA WHAAAT!!!! I'm having a good time, but I miss my friends at home. England will be fun too, but I don't want to go over the ocean in a plane and I'll still miss my friends. Oh, life. The weather here is really nice, though. If it rains, it's for, like, 20 minutes and then it's back to being sunny. Kind of awesome. Peace out, girlscouts. P.s... I was listening to Things Have Changed by the one and only Bobby D and it reminded me of listening to it with Tyler, Vikki, and Jack incessantly awhile back. Hott. | | |
| Today was a genuinely awful day. I was at work for 9 straight hours for the first time this summer doing stuff that I definitely don't get paid enough to do. I felt tired and crabby all day and my sister won't stop pretending to play the guitar. On the way home from work, I was thinking: if I were to die tomorrow, I would be really fucking pissed that this was what my last day on earth was like. I tried to imagine what I could have done to make it better. I guess I could have lightened up a bit, and not let things that were annoying me get to me so much, but when you spend all day moving a gazillion pairs of socks from one location to another, it's kind of hard to put things in perspective. Especially with a serious lack of caffeine. So I decided that people who are truly able to "live life to the fullest" are either saintly, or just lucky enough to be able to occupy their time with things that they genuinely enjoy. To me, this doesn't seem fair. It's not like I could just wake up tomorrow and select any job I want. Jobs are in short supply anyway, and jobs that I have the skills and expertise for are in even shorter supply. Even little things like not having enough money to buy new clothes for an office job, things that I would normally tend to overlook, are getting in the way. It was pointed out to me recently that I never do anything that makes me feel genuinely good about myself. This was really a revelation to me, but when I thought about it, it's true. I hate Anthro anymore because I always feel dumb in those classes. I get "A"s on my papers, but the professors complain that I never speak up in class, but that's because I literally almost never know the answer. Theater, which I used to be so passionate about, is known for being a business that puts people down CONSTANTLY. I always feel inferior to the other people in the department. I used to love performing Shakespeare, but, honestly, after that little fiasco with Rick and then my being left out of the Henry cast this year, my confidence is shaken in that area, also. I hate my job and would quit in a second if I didn't need to money so badly. Just because I don't get as many of those stupid credit cards as other people do doesn't mean that I don't try, because I do. REALLY HARD. I'm probably taking a lot of stuff too personally, but I can't help it. I'm really embarassed that I'm so completely dissatisfied with my life right now, because I realize that I'm only going to be young for so long and I should be making the most of it while I can. And, like I said, I could die tomorrow. Anyone could. I just wish I knew what I could do to make everything better. I miss my friends at school, but sometimes I think that IUP is the root of the problem. I felt sick for 2 weeks when I came home this year. Clearly, I have to sort out my life, and soon. A big change needs to be made, but I'm not sure I know what that is, and even if I did, I don't know if I have the means to make it. | | |
| Dude, it's almost 2 am. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Maybe it was the strawberry melon Mountain Dew? I don't know. Anyway, Vikki peer pressured me into updating. The thing is, I don't have much to update on. I went to see Petty last night. Believe it or not, that was the first official concert I've been to that wasn't The Clarks. Most of the artists I like are pretty old and not into touring much anymore. And, I mean, I know I go on and on about how much I love Petty blah blah... but I seriously can't stop thinking about that concert. Every time I do, I get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you love something TOO much. I have decided that before I die, or he does, I have to meet him. Not only is his music amazing, but the more I read about him as a person, the more I like him. The concert sealed the deal... I'm obsessed, but not in a weird way. For real, though. Summer is going ok, I guess. I like that I'm hanging out with a wider range of people. Meeting new people is always cool. I should do more of that. It's refreshing. Dude, Vikki turns 21 on Friday! I got her a cheap plastic light up shot glass to use when she goes to the bar so that I'll be there in spirit, even though in body I'll be at Old Navy folding graphic tees and dust-mopping. Life is rich. That was fun. More later? | | |
| The times when I feel compelled to write in an online journal are odd. I rarely talk about what happens to me from day to day, because I don't feel like it. Firstly, did anyone see that picture of the girl who got the Xanga logo tattooed on her hand? WOW. I mean, tattoos are permanant, bitch. I don't know if you realize that... Anyway, tonight I watched Annie Hall for the first time. Keep in mind that I haven't seen many movies at all... but I had never seen a Woody Allen movie before. I loved it so much. The style of it is so different from anything I'm used to. I loved the use of passersby to voice his inner thoughts... that was pretty creative. I used to cry during romantic movies all the time. I mean, I cry during most movies at one point or another. I don't know what it is about movies that evoke strong sad emotions like almost nothing else can. But lately, I've been feeling pretty good about my life without any kind of romance. I mean, the other day I was happier than I had been in months and it had nothing to do with anyone but myself. Oh, and Tom Petty. But, I mean, he hardly counts. It was awesome. Tonight, when I was watching Annie Hall, I definitely cried. I also decided that I wanted to marry Woody Allen's character. The one scene where Diane Keaton and Woody Allen are in the dark in front of the bridge, and they talk about how they love eachother really got me, man. Something about how they're standing there and he has his arms around her waist and she's a teeny tiny bit taller than him, and they both care about eachother so much but they're kind of awkward about admitting it, really really got to me for some reason. That scene was so romantic and adorable and I'd watch it 20 times if I could. I just wish they'd gotten together in the end. | | |
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